local_tavern

local_tavern @ 2005-10-16T02:24:00

2005-10-16T06:25:05Z

I know, I know.

Many shall hate me for this, for multiple reasons, but, I couldn't resist. however, PAINTSHOP is an amazing little program.

I'll be here all week, folks.

local_tavern @ 2005-09-02T11:55:00

2005-09-02T16:04:57Z

Red Green Day
Taking Shaq's Sunday
The Mars Travolta
Sharon, Lois and Bram's Skinnamarinkydink 182

local_tavern @ 2005-08-28T01:08:00

2005-08-28T05:10:30Z

Yes I know BOB ROSS isn't done yet BUT it will be soon I SWEAR everyone i SWEAR.

Anyway, but until then, I give to you...

NUN CHUCKS

local_tavern @ 2005-06-09T19:50:00

2005-06-10T00:18:49Z

But before that whole bob ross thing...first we must have yet another addition of...

Ask Dr. Phil (Anselmo)

Real Questions from Real People Mike Croteau Knows and Asked For Questions over AIM, and answered by Dr. Phil Anselmo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

dear dr phil,
why the fuck hasn't local tavern added me as a friend? I feel so unloved.
-dumb with some gum

Dear dumb with some gum

what the fuck you even talking about? You got your fuckin people who come in here tryin to be your fuckin friend when they really fuckin arent, they just love you cuz you got some cash and they want to know someone famous. They wanna fuckin move in on you and take fuckin advantage of you and your whole god damn royalties from your songs. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT SHITS GUNNA CHANGE! YOU CANT BE SOMETHING YOUR NOT, be your fucking self by your fucking self and stay the fuck away from me. This is JUST the fuck like when this fucker used to come to my fuckin FRONT FUCKIN DOOR every day and try and give me checks and fan letters and shit. I just wanted to fuckin drop ass and get laid n shit but this fuckers ringing my fuckin doorbell. I beat the living fucking shit out of that mother fucker right there on my lawn. I spent 4 months in the can for some fuckin "attacking a federal worker" bull shit just cuz he had a truck with a fuckin bird on it and some blue uniform. This world is fucking DEMENTED, IS THERE NO STANDARD ANYMORE?! Fuck. Standard, that fuckin reminds the shit out of me i need to still go up to Standard fuckin federal to pick up my mother fuckin income tax returns. Fuck you.
-Reigning fuckin God of fuckin Heavy Metal, Phil Anselmo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Phil- How much self-pleasuring is too much?

Dear whoeverthefuckinghell,

NOBODY, I mean the fuck NOBODY interferes with anyones right to enjoy themfuckingselves. Fuckin experts will tell you havin too much fun isn't what the fuck you're supposed to be doin... HOW MANY OF YOU CRAZY FUCKERS ARE GUNNA TELL ME YOU AINT ENJOYIN THE FUCK OUT OF EVERY FUCKIN SHIT MOMENT YOU COME TO!? FUCKIN A! Lemmy tell you somethin right fuckin now, when I feel like shooting up or droppin ass or fuckin gettin some ass or smokin fuckin dope lemmy tell you I do it ALL the fuck all the time, and there aint nobody gunna tell me differfuckinent. So how the fuck much fuckin pleasuring is too fuckin much? None mother fucker. Some fuckin bozos thought they were gunna fuckin arrest me for whippin it out in a bus station one night, fuck that shit i did it in the cop car and in the holding cell the whole fuckin night, and in court the day they made me go in there. Fuck that shit, no fuckin corporate bullshit run cops can stop a fuckin true masterlord of the fuckin stage, fuckin A. Fuck. I'm on RealTV again. fuck that shit.
-The most incredible unholy undead lord of the dark unfathomed sounds of the underworld, Phil Anselmo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Phil

Why is it that my neighbors hate me? I think it might have to do with that really big amp i have for my electric guitar, but I'm not sure...

Dear I have an amp,
THATS EXACTLY WHY THE FUCK THEY HATE YOU, And i'll fuckin tell you why. Those fuckers can't understand true heavy music, because these fuckin magazines are telling them not too. Now they fuckin think you dont know how things are when really is THEY who have no underfuckinstanding of the way the fuck things ARE anymore. What the fuck should you do? Fuckin move away? FUCK NO, YOU DO NOT RUN FROM THE FUCKIN ENEMY, THAT MAKES THEM ONLY THE FUCK STRONGER, you do not fuckin give the enemy STRENGTH, you must have your OWN STRENGTH, and make them respect you with force! If they are gettin the fuck in your shit fuckin five minutes alone with them mother fuckers are all you should need to set the fuckin record STRAIGHT about how the fuck THINGS ARE! TURN THAT FUCKIN NOISE UP AND FUCKIN BLOW THE FUCKIN NEIGHBORS OUT OF THEIR FUCKIN POOL SO THE METAL SIDING OF IT BREAKS AND SUCKS THE KIDS THROUGH WHILST FUCKIN CUTTIN THEM UP BECAUSE THEY CANT FUCKIN ESCAPE THE FUCKIN FORCE OF THE FUCKIN SUCTION OF THE WATER WHILE KNOCKING OVER THE FUCKIN BURGER GRILL AND LIGHTING THE WHOLE FUCKIN HOME ON FIRE AND YOU GO OUT THERE AND RAISE THE FUCK RAISE FUCKIN RAISE YOUR FUCKIN HORNS AND FUCKIN LIVE THE FUCKIN MOMENT

Fuck. my moms on the fuckin phone

-Most incredible ultimate overseeing bloodshot red ocean wide eyes from the internal dark depths of the unseen and the dark whom reigns over all things and bathes in the river styx and whos blood cleans the 9 fuckin levels of the fuckin 666 to the fuckin end extreme prophesized demonseed lord of the heavy art, Phil Anselmo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Phil Anselmo is a respected advice giver and appears in over one column nation wide.

These have been real questions by real people Mike Croteau knows and asked to submit questions. They may or may not be really weird nutcases.

To ask Dr. Phil Anselmo a question, post it in comment form for next week's Ask Dr. Phil (Anselmo) column.

local_tavern @ 2005-06-07T16:12:00

2005-06-07T20:12:52Z

Coming Soon...

I'm about to offend SO many catholics

2005-04-20T01:49:45Z

Ah, congratulations catholics, on a new pope well done.

One thing I especially love about this new Pope is his opinions of homosexuality, and rock music. He dislikes them both and denounces them. To prove how right he is, enjoy these Pope vs. Rock Music and Pope vs. Homosexuality comparison charts :-)

Rock Pope

Is really sweet	Hopefully Un-tasted
Saves lives, opens minds	Closes minds, ends lives
Immortal	Will die in 10 years
Rocks	Resembles a rock
Something many find they are in critical need of	Hypocritical
Expresses words of poetry, meaning, power, and emotion	Speaks German
Unending legacy of its power since the day it was born	Former Member of Hitler Youth
Talent, musical gift required for its purest form	Cant play guitar worth shit
Is a God	Talks about God
One of the most influential creations in history	Really is a piece of history
Probably doesn’t listen to Rap	Probably listens to Rap
Is loud and obnoxious	Is loud and obnoxious
Dresses really cool	Dresses like milk carton
Documents legendary names such as Hendrix, Steve Vai, Dimebag Darrel, Iggy Pop	Is named Ratzinger
Is unsurpassed	Is the 16^th version of the exact same thing
Hates conformity	Hates gay people
Fills air with smell of cigarettes, burning tube filament, motor fuel, various other rock related things	Needs shower
Rocks	Is Old
Thinks deeply	Controls thinking
Speaks out for diversity, is created from individuality	Speaks to lemmings
Hardest yet most feared form of music in history.	Was member of most feared country in the 1940s
Expresses creativity	Is Old
Emotionally stirring through amazing music, powerful lyrics, incredible guitar solos	Lacks emotion
Does whatever it wants	Eats bread
Drives around in limos to see delighted fans	Drives around in bomb proof Chevy to see lobotomized fans
Is a form of music	Catholic
Fears nothing	Has huge nose
Marks history under fog, red yellow and green spotlights	Has red hat
Has no true appearance, is sound and paints image on silence.	Looks like my grandpa
Contains Grunge, Ska, Punk, Prog, Heavy Metal, Classic, Light and many other subgenres	Contains his drool at least
Classifies album Cowboys from Hell	Threatens people with/is going too Hell
Can say whatever it wants	Can’t be understood by most languages
Alcohol and Drugs are often subject matter	Could use less holy wine, more drugs, doesn’t matter
Form of self expression	Form of self extinction
Derivative but Changing	Conservative, Old
Born in the 1900s	Born before Christ
Survives by being original, encourages originality	Gives communion, hates communism
Says “Fuck this” a lot	Says “No” a lot
Isn’t catholic	Is Catholic

This next one started to piss me off after a while so I didn't get as many.

Homosexuality Pope

Is entirely based on love and natural human relationships	Hates gay people
Can’t get married for some reason	If he can’t get married, neither can they.
Has nothing against Catholics	Hates gay people
Is discriminated against	Discriminates against
Has existed since the dawn of time	Has existed since the dawn of time
Follows instinct	Follows old book
Created by God	Creates false God
Believes in Love	Loves Popemobile
Will never die	Will die in 10 years
Compassionate	Decomposing
Is thought to be unnatural, is natural	Is thought to be Pope, Pope
Includes people of all types	Has several types of hats
Often dwells in closet	Often dwells in confessional
Is progressing in its acceptance from other people	Is regressing in its acceptance toward other people
Has existed in every country, ever	Drives popemobile
Subject of many debates	Old
Has culture, history	Dictates culture, history
Is no different from real love	Can’t get married
Variation of natural human love	Lights candles
Not really a sin if you think about it	Has huge nose

Anyway. Thank you, goodnight.

local_tavern @ 2005-04-03T01:23:00

2005-04-03T06:36:53Z

In light of recent events, Mike Croteau's classic "Choose Your Own Hilarity" gag, in which you choose any given song at all whilst staring at a picture of the pope (picturing the song about him, or him singing it, or anything you want, and so far has successfully created humor) must change.

The pope is dead. Therefore, POPETUNES will officially change to DOLETUNES, and the process above now will be used with a picture of Bob Dole.

Okay. furthermore.

Ive compiled a list of songs that would be inappropriate to play at the Pope's funeral.

10. Beegees- Stayin' Alive
9. Iron Maiden- The Trooper
8. Don Henley- Sit Down Yer Rockin The Boat
7. MC Hammer- This Is How We Do It
6. Union Underground- South Texas Death Ride
5. Elton John- The Bitch is Back
4. Any song by Prince
3. Joan Osbourne- What if God was One of Us
2. Tool- Prison Sex
1. Metallica- Enter Sandman

and now, to honor John Paul II...

Things that work with Pope.

Pope-ourri (A dish of pope and leaves for your china cabinet)
Pope-O (The pope in a cop car)
Pope-Pia (A nice pope fruit. Also can be used as Pope Pias X, in which case its plural.)
ShamPope (For a clean, pope head.)
Soda Pope ( A delicious, holy drink)
Poperah (Mid afternoon talk show host of holy proportions)
Pope-ey (Eating his spinach with the Lord)
Popey Seed Muffins (Can you feel the opium flavored Lemony fresh holy scent)

None of this is meant to offend anyone. this is how i grieve, i'm sure God would laugh too, if its funny, that be.

Riding the gravy train...

local_tavern @ 2005-03-16T11:59:00

2005-03-16T17:09:07Z

Car Salesmen for The Lord (CSTL)
Brett Favre Fans for Peace (BFFP)
Bureau of Oklahoma Bombing Villains In Los Angeles (BOB VILA)
Heroin Addicts for Reform (HAR)
Swiftboat Captains Against Transvestites (SCAT)
Huge Guys For Kevin Spacey (HGFKS)
Veterans Of Former Honeycomb Commercials (VFHCC)
Vegans For War (VFW)
The "Mr. T Vs." Social Union Council of Kansas State (MTV SUCKS)
National Council for Gay and Lesbian Republicans (NCGLR)
National Council for Greedy, Lying Democrats (NCGLD)
National Council for Good Liquor Stores (NCGLS)
Nice Cars for Angry Americans (NCAA)
People for the Ethical Treatment of Ashcroft (PETA)
Iguana Owners for Bush (IOB)
Office Tech Guys for Kerry (OTGK)
People for Creating Energy Pies (PCEP)
Bush for Kerry (BFK)
Kerry For Cheny (KFC)
Former Office Depot Employees for Better Lamps (FODEBL)
Asians Against Asia (AAA)
Americans Against Asia (AAA)
Anarchists Against America (AAA)
Apples Are Awesome (AAA)
Britt Hume Impersonators for The Lord (BHITL)
Women For God (WFG)
Models Against Dunkin Doughnuts (MADD)
Humans for Reproduction (HFR)
Librarians for Automatic Weapons(LAW)

I know. i was just bored and didn't feel like Dr. Philling.

local_tavern @ 2005-03-09T15:12:00

2005-03-09T20:16:03Z

The following demonstrates that the gap between rich and poor isn't really as big as we think it is.

Each is a statement that could be made by a rich american.
Following, in red, is the simple extra few words that would make the comment a poor american's comment.

The red is what the poor says, the not red is the rich.

I enjoy the idea of having my own personal bar    of soap
Nothing is more enriching on a friday night than a delicious plate of fish   sticks
When we have guests, they often remark that they've met nobody more conservative      than my landlord
My car is the utmost expensive of all        to have robbed then repaired, so ive signed to have it destroyed
I am very picky when it comes to my food      stamps
My computer is extremely up to date and has Windows        3.1
Ive purchased stock in several leading companies       that I work for
War in Iraq, you say? I'm not concerned at all, for my gasoline is no pricey matter for ME     thanks to the Amoco cash card my sister bought me
My house is warm, comfortible, and heated      with a KFC lamp
I have countless CDs        still left to be sold
the window glass in my home is stained       with the same shit thats on my rug
My children get the finest education        in the neighborhood
I go to church every sunday        for the free bread
My children are sucessful and famous       highway robbers
My wedding contained much press coverage     when we discovered that body
I vote strictly right wing          as opposed to the left or leg because they're never cooked fully at Churches
My entire career is devoted to being a WASP         department of pest control van driver

local_tavern @ 2005-03-01T23:19:00

2005-03-02T04:44:56Z

And now, once again, its time for

Ask Dr. Phil (Anselmo)
weekly submissions and answers from Dr. Phil Anselmo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dr. Phil (Anselmo):

Lately it's been burning when I pee. What does this mean?

-Phlaming Phallus

Dear Phlamring or whatever,
Look everyone has problems, mother fucker. Think I don't have my share of problems? Seems like every fuckin time I call up Scotty, my dealer, hes fresh outta smack. Always on wednesfuckingday. What the fuck shit is this? I cant fuckin break my Smackbuying Routine, fuck that shit. Fucker should buy more faster. I'm on restricted fuckin time. Anyway, you were talking about what...pissin. Aright motherfucker, you're pissin aint right? Its burning? What the fuck kinda beer are you drinkin? Man, I'll never fuckin drink that fuckin cheap Milwaukee shit ever a fuckin gain. That shit'll make your piss have the ability to eat through the lining of your fridge. What I would do is switch to somethin fuckin healthier, like, fuckin Cognac or someshit. If you cant fuckin afford that, ide try like, Coolers, or watery Nighttrain shit, or fuckin Petes or Blatts, atleast. Coolers would prolly work best cuz their fuckin cold as hell. I'll never forget this one time i totally fucked like four chicks and then fuckin went down and beat on some motherfuckers outside the club I was at and shit, I came in sweaty as fuckin hell and chicks were tryin to get me to lay em and fuckin shit, and I was like fuckin tired and hot, so i got a fuckin cooler, that thing fixed me right up, with an eightball man I was fuckin ready for 6 more parties, (So I went to 6 more parties. whoah. I fuckin ended up doing an ASSLOAD of crank and staying up until 3 months later, then i passed out for like a week and a fuckin half. good times.) Anyways. Fuckin bad beer'll do that to you man. I dunno what i'm drinkin, cuz I got laid one night by like 90...okay like 4 different chicks playin up Garry, IN, and my piss has burned ever since, but thats okay, cuz usually i'm too drunk to feel a fuckin thing. Anyway, Later, May you party on and get laid and shit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dr. Phil Anselmo,
my cat keeps touching things, what's wrong with it??
sincerely,
-bananas in pajamas.

Dear Bananas,
Holy fuckin shit, banana dude, I used to have a cat. That fuckin thing could fuckin eat 50 cans of fuckin food a day and still managed to be thinner than fuckin Rex after a speedball and a week. This fucker could run like 50 fuckin miles per hour, scare the fuck outta the dogs man. This fuckin thing was a beast. Fuckin died when I was screwin in a lightbulb ontop of a table, and had army boots on. I forgot I had a cat, and stepped off of it. Poor fuckin thing. IT DIED AN EXCELLENT DEATH. but whatever the fuck. So your cat touches fuckin things eh? I tell you what you should do, fuckin get onna them lazer pointers. that fuckin things just light or some shit, but it drives them fuckers nuts. chase it all around, and if yer really fucked up, the light will freak you out. fuck yeah.

Lazer pens are pretty fuckin sweet cuz sometimes you can fuckin flash em in your eye and make you see fuckin blue for like 9 days. fuckin corporate bullshit wouldn't buy any shit you could do, but i guarantee you could write 50 fuckin metal albums about seeing blue shit and it would be fuckin awesome. Cuz you like turn on the water, its like in fuckin cartoons where waters blue and shit, fuckin A. I fuckin tried once using onna them lazer pens to open up my bathroom door, cuz I locked my fuckin neighbor in it. I dunno how he got over here, but i know he was fuckin callin the cops as soon as he got out. what the fucks that shit about. Fuck that. I fuckin tried to hide in my washing machine. Fuck that. cops never showed up. Had I gotten fuckin stuck in there, the cat wouldn't have helped either, which somehow would be the same as if you tried to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy after failing to fuckin sell your cat on ebay. Fuck that bullshit. Nobody fuckin tells me who to vote for. fuck that. Whats this world coming too? Post a picture of your fuckin kitty. Bet its fuckin cute.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Due to nobody posting many questions, this weeks column was remarkably short. Please post more questions for Dr. Phil. I'm sure that Miss Manors appreciates the extra space, but we don't.

Phil Anselmo appears in one column worldwide and is a respected advice writer for the national local_tavern livejournal association of mike's room.

local_tavern @ 2005-02-23T16:19:00

2005-02-23T21:24:46Z

And now, a new local tavern feature...

Ask Dr. Phil (Anselmo)

Real Questions from Real People Mike Croteau Knows and Asked For Questions over AIM, and answered by Dr. Phil Anselmo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dr. Phil Anselmo,
what is the best thing I can do with a little child that has no brothers or sisters. and almost needs to be the center of attention?
-Clueless in Canton

Dear Clueless,
I'll tell you what you should do. You should fuckin tell all them fucking commercialized fuckers that you need them to write some sissy fuckin song right the fuck right now asking your brat to shut the fuck up. You don't understand the shit truth behind it all. Those brats deserved to be BEATEN, if you're not in charge whos gunna be? Someones gotta be in fuckin charge. You hear all this bullshit from these experts about what you should fucking do, and that true heavy punishment is died. HOW MANY OF YOU THOUSANDS OF CRAZY FUCKERS CAN TELL ME THIS IS DEAD? We arent dead we are STANDING, I'm independant now, I aint taking no fuckin bullshit from no kids no more. I'll leave that to them, they are fuckin bullshit, I was all Pantera was back in the day, and even before Dime died, he knew I was right. Not to say i dont fucking respect his death, even though they fucking kept me out of the fuckin funeral mother fuckers, I'll tell YOU how to live properly, so nothing like that happens to you: Keep your fucking NOSE clean, kid. You tell those fuckers you're not gunna take their fucking corporate bullshit no more. Smoke fucking dope.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Phil Anselmo,
What does it mean if my private area becomes hard when I see other males?

Confusedly,
Baffled in Boxers

Dear Baffled...

Let me tell you something right the fuck right now. Its just the same as when those fuckers from Korn couldn't get it in their fucking heads that the corporate shit died out for them. Its so fucking obvious, but yet it blows right the fuck by them just like that bullet that fuckin wasted dime. I'll tell you why, because much like all these fucking experts with their radios and advertising shit, your penis is gunna use you and waste you, then leave you to rot. Sure you got the fucking fame right now, mother fucker, but you know what, you're fuckin blind: Your penis doesn't care about you, it doesn't think you have talent, its gunna leave you to rot, and you're not even gunna know why. The only place my area is ever shown is to the heavy fuckin metal followers that yours truly still is worshipped by! I'll fuckin tell you one thing, If i were you, ide stop lying to myself about my statis. I earned where the fuck I am, and I aint shittin you when I tell you me and my fuckin penis are the shit in this industry for our area of fuckin expertice. And aint nobody gunna take that the fuck away from us. What you should fuckin do is get off the fuckin ladder, get loose, shoot the fuck up, and start relearning your fucking PLACE. You tell your penis to shut the fuck up, that its fuckin mouth don't mean a goddamn fuckin thing. You know the superjoint theory, we only care about our own, and the fuckin rest can take that to the fuckin bank. Oh, and you might be gay. I don't fuckin know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dr Phil Anselmo,

My bassist doesn't know how to keep in tune with the band, but we all really like him as a person, what should I do?

-Frustrated with Fuzzguitar

Dear Frustrated,

Takes me right the fuck back to Rex. That mother fucker could play, but none of the bands i'm in ever fuckin truely get in tune with my fucking style. My fuckin style has fucking reality behind it, it has fuckin truth that these fuckin METAL MAGAZINES and the fuckin heavy metal press just cant fuckin grasp. Its a higher word of truth, its a fuckin new level of pure musical talent. Is it Rex's fault he fuckin cant compare with me musically, not a fucking bit. And dime, and some mother fucking psycho who fuckin killed him, well... dime was good. dime was fuckin good, but its the god damn fuckin HEAVY METAL MEDIA that fuckin killed him, just like its the fuckin heavy metal media that can't fucking hold a candle to me. This is revolution, this is the birth of purity, and not even fuckin dimebag darrel could take that away from me, and sure as fuck no Rex Brown. Understand this, my friends. My fans, they NEED me. They can't fuckin live without me because i'm a fuckin LEGEND, and I was and am Pantera and Down and Superjoint, i am the heart and the warrior. Fuck the heavy metal press. Fuck these fucking EXPERTS who will tell you you can't fuckin tune up. Fuck your bass player, and fuck his style. You need to get in line with his style, hes a fuckin genius at heart if you let him be. Dimebag Darrel was my brother. I coulda played any fuckin thing with him ever, just because he wasn't at my level, didn't mean that we couldn't adjust, but the heavy metal media...god fucking damn them for killing off my brother. You speak of your brother well, all that shit I fuckin said was just the bullfuckingshit, inside we will always be brothers. Well hes my little brother if you wanna use those fuckin terms. But big fuckin brother is here to tell you and your band to fuckin get it straight. If your fuckin bass player isn't as good as you, get a new fucking band, and you tell every one of your fans what a FUCKER he is, but deep down, dont ever fuckin stop loving him man cuz you never fucking know what you have till its fucking gone. You tell your bass player never to tune the fuck up again, can't hold to no fuckin media standards. I hope you're happy, media.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dr. Phil Anselmo,
i kinda superglues myself to.......myself..what do I do?
-Shittymovielover in SeanSt.Peterville

Dear Shittymoter..whatfuckin ever...

Uh... i'ma bout to..pas.s..fuckin....out.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Phil Anselmo is a respected advice giver and appears in over one column nation wide.

These have been real questions by real people Mike Croteau knows and asked to submit questions. They may or may not be really weird nutcases.

To ask Dr. Phil Anselmo a question, post it in comment form for next week's Ask Dr. Phil (Anselmo) column.

local_tavern @ 2005-01-22T04:56:00

2005-01-22T10:03:27Z

Okay. So i havent updated in a while. Heres why. I'm just not all that very much funny these days. I mean look at this recent version of the the picphrases

So I mean its not like ive done anything special with my time.

However, I would like to commemorate my pope-mobile-tronic paintshop picture.

And also, give glorious thanks to all of those who actually laugh at my many away messages of this sort:

I like apples
I like staplers
I like muffins
I like light
I like ninjas
I like pretzels
I like cats
I like bottles
I like lever
I like chinchillas

etc, etc.

So once i think of interesting stuff, i'll put it in here. later.

The Latest Creation

2004-08-30T21:14:08Z

Okay people hold your horses. Before you go look through these I have some explaining to do. The following is nothing but this:

A collection of random pictures
With random everyday phrases
That I got from commercials/other every day crap
And pictures from the internet, of anything that came to mind... Stuff from the past, or that database of stupid crap you store for some reason in your head.
Combined they create some of the funniest most entertaining pictures, ever. According to people I asked opinions from.

Look at the picture.
Look at the phrase.
If you have too, just stare at the picture, re read it, think about it, stare at the picture.
Some may have nothing to do with the picture. Just sort of look at it.
Leave me feedback.
If you like it, you may steal it, but you have to ask me first.

I first started doing these a while ago. Here is the first collection of "greats"....

If you like them, say so. I'll continue this feature. the Election feature is Comin' Round Soon.

Enjoy....

local_tavern @ 2004-07-25T15:36:00

2004-07-25T20:57:11Z

A couple years ago, perhaps you remember, (If not, you probebly are in the big house), I believe it was Joan Osborne who released the song "What If God Was One Of Us"...
...While many of us make a lot of crude humor about this, theres actually something I think a lot of us overlook.

Do you ever realize the true theoretical statements made in this song? A lot of questions were asked in this song,

"If God had a name, what would it be?
And would you call it to his face?"
That kind of shit. But theres a lot she leaves out... Heres a couple possible questions that could have been included.

So If God Was one of Us,

*Would he watch Oprah?
*Would he buy stock in ETrading or Exxon?
*Would he hang out at malls?
*Would he get extremely drunk at local bars?
*Would he shop at Meijer?
*Would he own a 30" Flat Screen LCD/HD Telivison set?
*Would he be a telemarketer?
*Would he smoke? Hey, he cant die, right?
*COULD he die?
*Would he listen to Led Zeppelin? How about Linkin Park?
*Or would he listen to Britney Spears, or N'Sync?
*Would he listen to Joan Osborne?

*Would he believe in God?
*If so, would he be self motivational and therefore release a "7 Habits of Highly Effective" Book?
*Would he shop at Amazon.com?
*Because nuns aren't supposed to date because they are supposed to have eternal love for God, Would God date a nun?
*Would God have to do communion?
*Would preists feel jealous of God?

*Would God have a mullet? How bout an afro? Or a crew cut? Maybe he'd shave his head?
*Would God have Male Pattern Baldness?
*Would God wear FuBu?
*Would he wear Abercombie and Fitch?
*Would he be a goth?
*Would he dress up in suits and ties everyday?
*If so, would he work at Verizon?
*Or would he work at K-Mart?
*Would he have a beard? How bout a Goatee? How bout a Groucho Marx mustash, just to be funny?

*So what would God eat?
*Would God be a vegitarian?
*Would he eat at McDonalds?
*Would he lead a new string of 12 prophets, this time consisting of

Chelsey Clinton
Drew Carry
Mark Knophler
Bill Bonds
Steve Jobs
A Joan Jett impersonator
Fred Durst/Kid Rock
That guy at the Blockbuster on ford road who sounds like Andy Rooney/Paul Lynde
Nelson Mandella
Trent Lott
The Dali Llama
Vin Deisel

*As the song said, what WOULD his name be? And would we call it? Heres some possible suggestions:

Brendon McGinn
Amilia
Karl Hungus
Harold Potter
Number One
Mr. T
Devon
Michael (Means "Who is like God", but would piss him off.)
Bambi
Drusilla the Druid
Billy Corgan
Zelda
Fresca (If he came to Earth as a Chaldean Vegas Dancer)
Ariel
Yasser
God Kerry

*Would he watch The Simpsons?
*If so, would he do impressions of any charictors from it?
*Would he ever be on Hollywood Squares?
*Would he drive an SUV?
*How about a Cadillac?
*What about a white Chevy Malibu, Ranger, Trail Blazer or a Gremlin?
*Would he have a cellphone?
*If so, would he talk on it constantly while in line at the grocery store, in the car, ect?
*Also if so, would he (as the song implies) Talk to the Pope in Rome?
*Would he make Pope jokes?
*Would he be a Yuppy?
*Would he jog in the morning?
*Would he be one of the annoying bastards who drive through your nieghborhood at 1:00 in the morning blaring rap through a subwoofer?

Okay well, just to cover a few. Perhaps its a little much.

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local_tavern @ 2004-07-23T22:58:00

2004-07-24T02:58:23Z

Hello everyone. This is the introductory post to my brand new idiotic idea, a compilation of stupid semi-funny commentaries I will have on various current events, people, ideas, people, countries, Paula Cole/Jones, People, Reruns of Mash and Trading Spaces, Dr. Dre, Eminem and other White Wrappers (oh yes, wrappers...), and probably some people.

Okay so... Maybe tonight ill add some of the stuff ive been thinking about.

anyways. See you people around.